Rock bottom is a scary place filled with self-doubt, negativity, and anger. The longer one allows themselves to stay in this place of pain and anguish, the harder it becomes to escape. Trust me, I have been living for quite a while, I can date it back about ten months. Negativity is a cancer. The longer you allow for it to go without treatment, the bigger and stronger it grows until it consumes you and begins to kill your soul. I am fortunate enough to have an amazing friend who finally said the words aloud, "You have been so negative lately!" I had been putting in the work over the last couple of months to gain back my happy bubbly positive attitude, however by not acknowledging the negative energy surrounding me made it felt like I was taking 1 step forward, then 2 steps back. (Insert Paula Abdul Song Here).
I am in need of major heart surgery in order to get back to a place of self-love, positive energy, love, and light. I began to develop a routine to acknowledge all of the issues I have going on, and how I am going to release them from my life. I started with an experience I faced last year in October/November that involved a "Mean Girl" type scenario in the workplace. This event shattered my self-esteem and caused me to question all of the relationships in my life. I cut myself off from the world, fearful of finding out that there were many others who were not truly my friends. I became a recluse from my social circle, and began to focus on spending the holidays with my family. Who else can lift you up but your family, especially when you have two incredible nieces who make everything in the world disappear!!
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The next event was a delayed aftershock to my self-esteem. I returned home from New Year's in Indianapolis to find that my best friend of 19 years had "unfriended" me from facebook without warning. We had just rung in the new year and not one word regarding the events to come was spoken. I was devastated, however I let it go and tried to move on without addressing the situation. Looking back, this was unhealthy... Why you may ask? Because a few days later, I received a text message accusing me of talking about the situation with others. My response came from a place of deep pent up anger, to put it mildly. The following weeks were filled with anger, vindictive thoughts, then a brief attempt to repair what was broken, followed by an accusation that I once again was talking with others about the repairs which were were working on privately.
In the end, I realized that I had to sever this toxic friendship regardless of its age. The reason I was "unfriended" from facebook was because I chose to remain friends with a good friend who my best friend did not like. I had to ask myself, "was this 19 year friendship worth abandoning a friend who has been nothing but supportive of me since we met?" Then I asked myself, "Am I the type of friend who would willingly cut ties with a friend because someone else does not like them?" In the end, I (being the OCD - ADHD - Virgo I am) made a pro/con list outlining our friendship over the last 19 years. I realized that I had spent the last 6 years of friendship traveling and doing things to accommodate someone else and it was never reciprocated. My decision became simple. I had to sever the toxic branch and move forward in my life. To this day, it is the best decision I could have made for myself.
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I had fallen closer to rock bottom, and to add on to it, I also was not feeding myself any positive energy. I became hooked on reality television, watching the housewives and mob wives tear each other down on a daily basis. I knew that watching it was wrong, and I totally felt it fueling my hate fire each and every time I turned on the television, but I did not have the strength to pick myself up and do something productive with my life.
My one release was my conversations with my Grandma. My Grandma and I have become quite close, and it just so happens that she calls me in the evenings to catch up. This tears me away from my bad habits. Grandma talks to me about our family history, about old friends who have come to visit, and she lets me know how my Grandpa is doing. My Grandpa is my heart! When he was well, he was always my biggest supporter, and we had a special relationship.
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In March, I got an evening phone call that I was not looking forward to. My Grandma and I had talked in the fall about a large spot that they had found during a routine mastectomy. This spot had caused a concern during an appointment with her doctor, and this concern led to biopsy, and biopsy led to a breast cancer diagnoses. It was a tough time for me and my family, even more so when 2 days later my Grandpa was admitted into the hospital. When I finally arrived at the hospital, I arrived to see my hero hooked up to pretty much every machine that ICU had to offer. I set aside myself to spend time with my Grandpa. I listened to the Doctors constantly try to educate us about the life support machines, DNR, and whether or not surgery would be a viable option. I know my Grandpa, and God has always had a plan for him, and God's plan has not concluded (to this very day). I found myself realizing how important family and friendship truly is, and I found myself realizing how much I admire the relationship that my Grandparents have. There are there for each other not matter what, they are the loves of each other's lives, and although my Grandpa may not recognize every one that he sees he knows my Grandma through it all. The days flew by...Grandpa had surgery, Grandma had surgery, Grandpa improved, Grandma was cleared by her doctor, Grandpa went in and out of the hospital a few more times, and our family bonded and became stronger. We could finally breath.
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I never really dealt with my feelings, so I picked up my books by Dr. Wayne Dyer. He is my favorite author, and his words always help me to find comfort. I began to follow Deepak Chopra, and took a 21 Meditation Challenge, then I took a 15 day Mediation Challenge...I felt good when I was meditating, but I was not applying it to my daily routine.
Then the work incident transpired...
Because it is an open investigation, I will omit the details, but this specific incident was yet another blow to my self-esteem, my heritage, and my ability to be comfortable not only in my own skin but to feel safe on a daily basis. I also began to question who in my workplace I am able to depend on because those who I thought were my friends, were discussing my circumstances behind my back.
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This led to my "dare to be great moment".
I no longer wanted to be negative, angry, and resentful. I have so much to contribute to the world, and by allowing others to impact my happiness and positive energy, I was becoming a drain on society.
I started by actively reading, "The Daily Love." I was a member of the blog, but I was not active in reading it. I can relate to Mastin Kipp and he keeps it real. I respect that. Through TDL, I found Gabrielle Bernstein's book "Spirit Junkie" and I was in tears as I read the first few chapters because I could totally relate.
I felt as though I were beginning to climb out of the pit, and I could feel the light hitting me. It was my Bruce Wayne meets Batman moment.
I picked up my copy of "The Tapping Solution," and retaught myself EFT. I began tapping, starting with my work situation, then working my way back through each of the circumstances that had impacted my in a negative and toxic way. In a two week period of time I began to feel the difference inside myself. I began a practice of tapping regularly and meditating regularly, and I began to listen to relaxation music at work. When I felt the negativity begin to slip in, I turned on guided meditations to keep myself in balance.
I have implemented Kundalini Yoga into my daily life, and I plan to implement my old running schedule this week. I am cutting out unhealthy eating and filled my fridge with fresh farm grown vegetables with a goal to live a gluten free, vegan, healthy lifestyle.
My next step in the journey is a 365 day course named, "A Course In Miracles." I still have a lot of work to do, but I have reached the top and I can only soar from here. I know that I will not be able to escape the negativity that surrounds me on a daily basis, but I do know that I am fully equipped to fight the negative energy and to continue to lead a happy life filled with positive energy.
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In closing, I am finding that honesty with myself and those around me is the key to releasing the stresses that enter in to life. I am going to live a life of honesty, self love, and I am going to contribute to society in a positive light. I it is my goal to surround myself with those who love life and who are committed to sharing their light with others, and who celebrate all of the wonderful magical gifts of life!
Love & Light,
Sarah
Resources:
The Daily Love
www.thedailylove.com
Gabrielle Berstein, Wayne Dyer, & Deepak Chopra
www.hayhouse.com
The Tapping Solution
www.thetappingsolution.com
A Course In Miracles
www.acim.org
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